Struggle Love Is Not The Thing

Reminder: Struggle love is not the thing, y'all. It doesn't have to be like that.

People invest a certain amount of time in a relationship and/or experience a certain pleasurable feeling that they haven't found elsewhere yet, and they become unreasonably certain that everything that happens in the service of this relationship is "worth it."

Like, at least we're together! We can get through anything! We have a lot of hard times but we always come out of it.

No. Resilience to struggle is not the goal. Endurance is not the goal. As much as this may rub some the wrong way, even "loyalty" is not the goal.

Unwavering loyalty will have you out here hurting yourself over and over to "prove" you love somebody. Genuine loyalty doesn't actually cost much. It flows between you easily because it is sourced from love, care, and deep knowledge.

Healthy loyalty is like "I would not do anything and I will do my best to stop others from doing anything that would embarrass, humiliate, or harm you. I will be honest with you. Because I know you and you are important to me and I want to protect you, I am on your side."

Unhealthy loyalty is more like "I'm your "ride or die" and I will stand by you no matter how fucked up this situation gets or what you do or how you treat me and others. I'm on your side, without regard for myself AND without critically measuring whether you deserve my loyalty."

Unconditional love in the context of chosen relationships doesn't even make sense. Of COURSE there are conditions.

Here are the conditions: You must treat me well. I must be able to treat you well. We both must be safe. If these conditions are not met, why would I stay in the relationship?

(That's rhetorical. There are many predictable reasons, and a good therapist can help you work through what those are for you. As you heal your old wounds, you will naturally move into a healthier space where you are able to require those conditions be met.)

I've said before that if you can't figure out how to get and stay peaceful in your relationship, you are wasting your time.

Peace is not the absence of conflict, but it is the absence of toxicity and patterns of emotional abuse. You can have a fair amount of conflict - disagreements and issues that require attention- and still be in a healthy relationship. Provided the conflict is done with intention to resolve, not intention to punish each other.

But if, when you do have conflict, it escalates to cruel words, emotional violence, throwing things, breaking up for a thousandth time, and other dysfunctional shit, the relationship is 100% NOT WORKING.

I wish more of us had grown up in healthy families where we were modeled the kind of relationships we are all entitled to as human beings, but the truth is...people are messy and wounded and mostly do a bad job at peopling. The world has not been kind or safe for many people, and that trauma lives in our bodies and our DNA. Our parents and our parent's parents and our parents' parents' parents were all fucked up too and just trying to get through.

All that has been passed down to us. ISSA LOT

So mostly we have to figure it out on our own and undo a lot of what we've learned along the way. The culture has taught us a whole slew of bad lessons by way of indoctrinating us in "this is how it is" and "this is what you're supposed to do". (PS IT'S ALL A LIE)

But on a happier note, it isn't too late for those of us who see that there could be a better way. If you learn to believe in your bones that you are worthy and deserving of belonging, love, and kindness, that is a major first step to being able to identify places you don't feel how you want to feel.

You can start by inventorying your relationship and assessing whether it's worth what you're investing or not. Whether your love, loyalty, and time are worthwhile expenditures. If you find that you're actually engaged in some toxic struggle love...maybe it's time to break tf up once and for all. You deserve better. I promise. Get you a good therapist (or coach!!) and be single for a while. There's peace waiting for you on the other side of your healing.

What better time than the New Year???

Cute resurfaced old photo for algorithmic tax and because it's cuuuuuute and also we are in a healthy relationship, which I'm grateful for. 🥰 Also we're teaching a #RelationshipGoals workshop on Saturday....SIGN UP HERE