This is not a Disney princess life...(how insecure attachment and monogamy culture impact relationships)

I recently read a statistic that roughly half of all adults have insecure attachment. So we start out FROM CHILDHOOD being pre-wired for struggle in relationships in part because our parents/primary caregivers and their parents/primary caregivers (etc) were also wired for struggle and failed to sufficiently meet our needs for attunement.

Like...we start out at a skills deficit and with our own constellation of wounds to our spirits, bodies, minds AS WELL as inherited epigenetic and cultural bullshit...and then wonder why all the things are hard when we try to connect with others.

And then we get this ridiculous messaging about how we have one true love who if we could just find them and keep them, they are going to be our soulmate and meet all our needs, easily and generously. FOREVER. Which is a giant fucking lie in most cases.

Certainly our lives are not Disney princess lives where the kiss of our one true love solves all our problems and then we automatically live happily ever after. Even if we find a person who is a great fit for us, that shit requires effort and attention to sustain.

The very concept of forever + monogamy - this one true love bullshit- naturally lends itself to possessiveness, jealousy, scarcity mindset, and fear of loss.

It naturally triggers so many people's attachment wounding, because we want/need/desire this person to be all the things for us all the time AND co-regulate with us.

We may experience insecurity, grief, sadness, and anger when this doesn't happen easily or at all. Which we then either internalize (our fault) or externalize (their fault), when really we were set up for failure if we aren't naming our expectations and agreeing we are able to meet them.

Ironically, even knowing that one person will have a really, really hard time meeting all of our needs, the idea of ethically engaging in non-monogamy- where we have multiple people to meet our varied needs- ALSO triggers attachment wounding for a lot of people. Ostensibly because if I set my partner "free" they might leave me.

The reasoning: if we've been abandoned before, we could be abandoned again. So it becomes a lose/lose.

Even what is basically emotional non-monogamy, meaning we have close intimate friendships/relationships outside of our primary romantic partnership, can trigger jealousy and fear and interrupt the development and continuation of other close relationships.

(You've probably all encountered people whose spouse or SO won't "let" them have friends of the gender they're most attracted to, or who won't "let" them go out without them, etc. This level of resctriction on another human's freedom is bound to backfire at some point, whether in behavior or energy, as it will cause resentment.)

But one person cannot possibly meet all your needs, or want to be around you literally every moment of the day, and under the BEST of circumstances, trying to be all the things for someone and to grow when/how they grow and to evolve together and to stay connected is really hard.

The ONLY way to do a healthy relationship at all is to radically communicate every day. Saying all the things. Doing your own work. Healing individually so you can be healthy together. Identify and work on your triggers. Learn to emotionally self-regulate. It's a lot.

But you also have to be constantly willing to renegotiate your agreements and find ways for each of you to continue to develop and grow and be a person. Which might mean your partner does shit without you sometimes.

I am so sad and frustrated by how hard most people seem to find relationships and marriage. I always want to remind everyone IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. You just have to be ready to do the work. You have to be willing to figure out what YOUR unique relationship needs in order for it to feel good and safe to each of you.

I say this as a human person who is navigating a healthy relationship that nonetheless requires SO MUCH COMMUNICATION and so much negotiation and compromise.

And I say this as a human person who sits- daily- with other humans who are struggling to attach and connect and figure it all out.

I never say "do this" to clients when it's not shit that I also have to do. I have to work on this marriage every single day, and even though we do it well and it's easyISH, it is work. I get triggered sometimes and have to de-escalate and recalibrate and communicate in a vulnerable way that I fucking hate.

But look: if I gotta do it, you gotta do it. We all have to do it so we can make things better and easier for the next round of humans.