You Have To Say Words...

Part of what makes adult friendships and relationships so hard is that people legitimately do not know how to engage with each other vulnerably and without agenda. Meaning, with curiosity and non defensiveness and without a need to be right or prove anything. In most cases, I don't think it's lack of desire to make things right between you so much as lack of skill, confidence, and courage.

But I think it's ok if it's clumsy. I think it's ok if it doesn't go perfectly or you stumble around a little bit or cry or it gets messy. Tapping into your courage is the thing that allows you to start the conversation anyway.

We are here for such a short time. Not to be heavy-handed, but it's real out here. I have lost several dear friends in the past few years to unexpected death. One of those friends I had just repaired with a few months prior, and I am grateful forever that she didn't pass without that resolution.

So I just feel like: if there is a conversation you need to have with someone, just have it. If you've been hurt by someone or are upset with them, go talk to them. If you're not sure what the vibe is between you, ask what's going on. Inquire. Get curious. Say words. Be clear + kind.

Over the summer, I finally sat down with someone after months of awkwardness and uncertainty (due to this person's avoidant tendencies) and when we finally talked, he was like "oh that was easy". (LOL duh)

Because my position then is the same as it usually is: Whatever is happening is fine as long as I know what it is. Your feelings are not the problem, and neither are the realities of your situation. It is lack of communication that is hurtful. Avoidance is hurtful and tends to compound the issue by allowing the other person to write their own story about what's happening.

A client of mine recently resolved an issue with a friend by crafting and rehearsing what she wanted to say (with my help) which was basically, "The story I have in my head is that you don't want to be my friend anymore, and I assume it is because of <this thing>. Can you help me understand if that is accurate or whether there's something else going on?"

I just did the same thing today with a friend: Texting him, in short: Here is what I am thinking is going on, but can you please tell me whether this is accurate or not, when you have emotional space to engage with me about it.

In most cases, putting whatever conversation you need to have off only piles anxiety on because procrastination doesn't put things out of your mind, actually, it just permits you to not DO anything. The feeling or the thought or the nebulous discomfort still sits there waiting for you to deal with it.

Granted, you can't control how someone else will receive what you have to say, or control whether they will be able to really get into the weeds of your emotional state with you, but you can't possibly resolve or repair if you don't at least extend the effort. Being the one to open the possibility of finding common ground allows others the choice to step into it or not. More often than not, in my experience, people can and will step in.

But if they won't or can't? Honestly, I don't mind relationships ending if that is the correct next step, which sometimes it is. It is the unresolved, unsettled, confusing in-between that I think is the worst. Maybe for you, a relationship ending IS the worst thing, and so you will avoid the whole damn thing in order to avoid that as a possible outcome. But you can't know ANYTHING unless you are willing to start the conversation.