It's really not about you

Reminder: most people in the world are just out here doing shit without thinking too much about it or how it might affect others.

And I mean this neutrally and generally. Not considering these absolute sociopaths we have running cabals of s*x trafficking rings or at the highest levels of government. Those fuckers know and don't care about impact. And I am not talking about people (or bots) on the interwebs who say all manner of horrible things behind a veil of anonymity. Fuck them too.

But everyday regular folks out in the world? The average human out wandering around? Assume lowest common denominator: Extraordinarily lacking in self-awareness/awareness of impact on others.

So if we start with that assumption, maybe we could begin to accept that most things other people do have absolutely nothing to do with you, even when it might feel otherwise.

Most people aren’t trying to slight you, ignore you, hurt your feelings. They got busy, distracted, thoughtless...which is not great, but is not some grand plan to harm you.

Most people didn't mean to cut you off in traffic. They are in their own world, and perceiving all the other cars as just things, not real people.

Most people aren’t personally attacking or disrespecting you in any intentional way, even if it feels that way. If you're feeling disrespected, it's possible that's a you thing. Do you feel that way a lot? Is it always verifiable with evidence that what is happening IS personal?

Most of the time, other people aren't intentionally trying to disrupt your life or your feelings in any way.

Most of the time, the "tone" you applied to a written statement is not the tone they wrote it in. You added it because it felt a way to you, but if they'd sent the same message in a voice memo you might have reacted differently. Could you leave room for your interpretation to be wrong or exaggerated to suit a narrative you're spinning?

Most of the time, when someone is cranky or snappish, it has nothing to do with you and isn't even directed at you. Folks are out here in various states of: barely hanging on, perimenopausal, irritable, struggling to pay bills, distracted by fascism, exhausted.

Most of the time, if someone snubs you or fails to say "thank you" or almost runs into you with their shopping cart, they are lost in their own thoughts and have no idea.

In fact, most people probably don’t even see you or realize you are in their orbit. They are just out here doing shit and living their lives and trying to not die.

People's actions can often be simply understood as trying to

a) avoid pain

b) get their needs met

And therefore, most of the behaviors we think people are scrutinizing in us are actually not things that even flit across their radars.

Think about it: when you’re walking through the grocery store, how much are you actually paying attention to the other shoppers?

Most of us are in our own heads, thinking our own thoughts, largely oblivious to others.

And yet we often erroneously believe or fear that everyone is noticing us, or worse, that they are actively doing things TO us. They are out to get us! People - strangers who have no vested interest in us one way or another- are mean and disrespectful TO US.

Think about how absurd that sounds in context.

The reality of modern life is that generally speaking, for better or worse, most people do not give a shit about you and what you’re doing. Especially not enough to react to it on purpose.

So to free yourself from concern about not only negative evaluation from strangers but also the need to react and personalize all things is a GIFT. You will be so much happier and more peaceful once you accept that you are only the star of your own show, and no one else's.

Remember: You are responsible for yourself, your impact on the world, and how YOU treat other people. You are not responsible for other people (except insofar as we are all interconnected and do affect each other indirectly all the time) or how they choose to interpret you or how they behave.

You can't be attached to outcomes or reliant upon receiving certain responses because everyone is going to receive things differently and react through the lens of their own shit.

Personalization of other people 's behavior is an extension of this weird hyper-individualistic world we're living in. You CAN divorce yourself from it. Assume most things other people do actually have nothing to do with you, and the thoughts they may or may not have about you are none of your business.