Men + Emotional Wounds

In my personal and professional life, I have come across so many men who are wounded in very specific ways.

They were (or felt) rejected in childhood for being too sensitive, "feminine," "soft," etc. Typically, they self-report that as children, they cried easily, cared for others/enjoyed caretaking games, had a lot of feelings, were close with (or else rejected by) their mothers.

Often, they were either abused by their fathers or simply didn't see any upclose healthy examples of non-toxic masculinity.

My observation is that this experience of rejection in childhood, coupled with the fucked-up ways we generally socialize boys, results in a traumatic injury to their otherwise-innate human ability to empathize, connect, and love.

These men begin very early to over-compensate and over-correct. In order to avoid the accusation of "sensitivity," they may begin to display outward aggression and anger- which, while not desirable behaviors exactly, are at the very least on the approved list of boy behaviors- where once there were tears and softness.

If they do not lean towards violence and anger, the other common outcome is their communication is passive-aggressive and coercive/manipulative. (Passive-aggression being a maladaptive strategy used to avoid vulnerability.)

These men begin to lose track of their own sense of self and naturally end up way out of alignment in adulthood. Often with many failed relationships behind them because it's impossible to have a healthy, peaceful relationship when you are misaligned and hyper-reactionary.

Often at mid-life these men are so unhappy because they are so deeply unsure of who they are. They can often see/feel their true self out there somewhere but they don't know how to get there.

They don't know how to have healthy relationships. They desperately want a deep and meaningful connection but seem to self-sabotage at every turn, largely because they deeply fear rejection if/when they show their "true" self, which of course one has to do in order to truly build intimacy. But they've been conditioned early to expect rejection if they show tenderness, so they resist showing it and often will punish a woman if they "get it out of them."

I often see them at mid-life struggling to find internally-sourced validation and a sense of worthiness and belonging. They have a habit of constantly seeking approval through performance of competence and attractiveness, often sexual performance.

They are often charming and may date a lot of women. But the truth is it's not because they love women; it's a dysfunctional "addiction" whereby they see women not as whole people, but rather as available sources of the things they need to feel okay: validation, approval, a sense of connection.

In the process of using women for these purposes, they fail to actually achieve their desire, which is intimacy. Because, again, intimacy requires vulnerability. It becomes a loop. These men look narcissistic and probably are, to some extent. The early relational trauma injured their natural capacities, but in my experience, these men can and do feel ashamed for causing harm (which is different than a typical "narcissist").

When I get these men in for therapy or coaching, it can take a while to get to the meat of the issues. But at least he showed up! Honestly that's the hardest part. (I made a video about what happens when men come to therapy here.)

So what are the solutions? I need parents to do a better job with gendered expectations in order to interrupt the wounding that happens so early to boys. I wish we collectively did a better job at celebrating softness and tenderness in boys and men. We would have infinitely less violence and misery in the world.

Some adult men are beyond repair and are not safe for women or children to be around honestly. That is clear. But many other adult men are deeply wounded, lacking in skill and insight, and unsure where to start. Therapy is the place to start.

Send me all your dudes. If I can’t help them, I’ll send them to a colleague who also likes working with men in a different kind of capacity. And if she can’t help, we’ll keep looking. If we give up on them, they’ll never get better.

NOTE I DO NOT USE AI TO WRITE, SO THERE COULD BE TYPOS. I think that's a fair tradeoff :)