There is no such thing as over-communication, IMO

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A practice I use in all of my relationships - intimate, personal, professional, etc- is to OVER communicate and OVER inform so that I reduce the risk of misunderstanding as much as I can.

Personally, nothing hurts me more than being mischaracterized or having intention ascribed to me that I did not have. When someone makes a negative assumption about me that opposes my core values or is not in my character - like something I would never do, say, or mean- it actually wounds me.

I also really dislike having people be afraid to talk to me about things, because I am so intentionally trying to embody being a safe person to have hard conversations with.

So I over-inform. I over-ask. I try to make everything as clear and safe as possible. And before you ask "well what if someone is committed to misunderstanding you" etc....I acknowledge that this practice doesn't always work. Sometimes people are not able to be in relationship with me in the way I most desire, or are not in a place in their healing journey where they can be as vulnerable or uncomfortable as repair might require. I can't control that.

So this is a sincere and consistent effort I make nonetheless, and that is the work: continuing to practice what I know is right even when other people aren't ready to do it with me.

What this looks like for me is this. Of course, your informing will look different, but these are templates I have used at various times and still use:

• "I will always tell you if I am upset about something."

• "If I say it's okay, I promise it is okay. I won't say it's fine if it's not fine."

• "I will come to you first if I have an issue. You won't hear about it from someone else."

• "I have been doing this work a long time but I am not an expert on YOU. If I say anything that feels inaccurate, I hope you will tell me so I can correct my understanding."

• "If I don't respond promptly, it's not personal. Sometimes I don't have the energy to respond, and sometimes I forget. If you need an answer, it won't bother me if you follow up."

• "I'm not interested in hanging out right now, but I will let you know if that changes."

• "I just wanted to let you know I got your message; I'm not sure yet how I want to respond but didn't want to leave you on read."

• "Sometimes I just get in my head and don't pay attention to my surroundings; I didn't mean to ignore you today when we crossed paths. It occurred to me later I didn't really speak to you."

• "I didn't like how that felt. I'm not upset or angry, but I do want to follow up. Can you let me know when you have emotional space to talk about it?"

• "I don't have the energy for developing new friendships in this season of my life, but I appreciate you asking."

• "What you said hurt my feelings. I don't need you to do anything about it, I just wanted to tell you."

• "That conversation felt kind of weird. I'm wondering if we had a misunderstanding somewhere."

• "You seem different to me. Have I done something to upset you?"

• "If I ever say anything that feels bad to you, please promise to tell me. I will hear you."

• "What is the best way to bring it to you if we have friction or misunderstandings?"

• "I am never trying to hurt your feelings. Sometimes I can be direct and that doesn't always work for everyone. Please tell me if you need me to say things differently."

• "I'm actually pretty shy in some situations. If I seem standoffish, that's why. I probably just feel uncomfortable."

• "I have ADHD and it results in me struggling to sit still sometimes without having something to do with my hands. I might eat snacks, pick at my nails, or fidget during our sessions. It helps me to listen better, but you can tell me if it distracts you and I'll try to do something different."

etc.

I included things in various areas of life to show what it can look like. Clients often jokingly ask for scripts for how to say things, so please feel free to borrow these!

What are some of the things you might say to make sure you are understood?