Thoughts on masking

I just took some assessments aimed at measuring the thresholds of autism/ADHD in various ways since there isn't really an official "AuDHD" diagnostic tool. (It's not in the DSM...don't get me started on the DSM tho)

Here is a description of AuDHD I like: AuDHD represents a unique neurological landscape where the structured, routine-driven world of autism intersects with the novelty-seeking, impulsive nature of ADHD. Managing this combined profile is often like driving a car with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake, balancing a profound need for predictability against a constant craving for stimulation.

I received an ADHD diagnosis in 2023 when I took a job that required SO MANY TASKS and I just struggled endlessly to stay on a task and complete it. But ADHD didn't quite fit and I actually never took the stimulant I was prescribed because I didn't like how it made me feel and honestly I have so many coping strategies in place that I just work around executive dysfunction. I can hyper focus especially if there's a deadline on something, and I was able to do a lot more stuff I enjoyed which allowed me to bypass or ignore a lot of the stuff I struggled with. (Now I'm back to self-employment and have a lot more flexibility.)

ANYWAY the most profound thing I came across was an assessment of "camouflaging" (aka masking). You can check it out and take it yourself here.

I took this twice because the first time I was like wait this can't be right. I FEEL very authentic much of the time...but my first score was 117 and when I took it again it was 114. Both are considered "high camouflaging".

Just the other day, I had to be in a social situation that I find very challenging and I realized why when I left: I have to mask SO HARD.

The truth of that social dynamic is I do not fit in, I do not feel comfortable, and I cannot safely be myself except with a select few people that I consider literally safe zones.

Thinking about my behavior objectively, I see that the pattern is I will seek out the people I feel comfortable with and like, sigh with relief for a minute when I connect with them. (Unfortunately a few of my safest people in this community have left, and it makes it that much harder for me to navigate.)

It is EXHAUSTING. And so I avoid whenever possible (or send Rodney because he's fine in all social situations ever in life.)

Just out of curiosity, how many of my friends on here identify with the idea of "masking" - as in, you are either conscious of doing a lot of masking in various situations or you suspect you might be unconsciously masking? I honestly did not realize that is what I was doing. I sincerely believed myself to be just an awkward introverted person when it came to small talk and chit chat.

But the disconnect seems to be this: I simply categorize people very VERY quickly into 'yes' and 'no'. Like....

Yes, I can skip the small talk and/or express real feelings of discomfort and/or be authentic and/or be weird and/or overshare and/or ask personal questions with this person (SAFE!)

OR

No, wow, ok, that did not go well. This person is not responding to me in a way that feels good or safe, this person is looking at me like I'm nuts, this person is clearly uncomfortable, this person does not like me, this person is judging me. (NOT SAFE! MASK UP!)

I go through my entire life doing this calculation. Yes/no. Safe/not safe. Unmask/mask. Easy/hard. Whole/fragmented.

99% of my clients are safe on sight. I realize it's because they picked me FOR my quirkiness or authenticity or "bluntness" or whatever. Their own internal scan found me on the internet and assessed ME to be safe for THEM. So honestly I barely mask with clients, on average. I am very authentic in sessions. (I stim, eat snacks, fidget- it does not seem to bother them, generally. They are also invited to do the same!)

All of my actual REAL friends are totally safe. They like these things about me. I may mask but not too much. It's not super exhausting. We communicate in the same web-like ways and interrupt and lose track of each other and forget to reply and then come back together and don't take it personally.

(There are a few people I sincerely like but I have to work SO HARD to communicate with them that is isn't very fun and I don't do it often if I can help it. These are people in my family as well.)

I am honestly the most at ease alone. I could be alone 70% of the time and be totally fine. I enjoy my own company and my thoughts and the quiet of my imagination. I love to read and write and daydream. I rarely feel lonely.

But the safest people for me- the people I do not mask with - are my husband and my child.

Rodney accepts me so fully and loves me so completely that there is no reason I SHOULD mask, but I still do. Just a little bit, here and there. Less and less over the years, but still a little bit after 11 years of knowing each other.

Probably the purest expression of my most unmasked self is only known by Zoe. (How fucked up is that?!)

She is the only person I am genuinely silly with, or will dance with, or make up songs with, or just say whatever comes to my mind with. Obviously I don't tell her personal things that aren't appropriate to talk with a child about; I can do that with Rodney or a close friend. But in terms of masking behaviors, I do the least of them with her.

The only reason I've been successful in this relationship with Rodney and Zoe is because I am free to exist safely in our house and feel what I feel and be how I am and need what I need and struggle with what I struggle with.

True story: the other night I was annoyed and exhausted after work; we'd lost power at home so Rodney needed me to go find food for dinner and bring it home and I struggled with the transition and change in plans and new responsibilities...but I did it and then we had to complete a project for Zoe's first day of school that I assumed was already done (it wasn't anyone's fault, but it wasn't done).

I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin with irritation and need to be done with what we were doing. Zoe noticed I was seeming stressed. I was sitting at the kitchen table working on it with her, Rodney was in the kitchen too, and I said out loud, "I feel like I want to scream or cry, but I won't"

Zoe looked up from what she was doing and just said very matter-of-factly: "It's ok Mom, you can if you need to; this is a safe space."

"Thank you, baby. I know it is. I'll be ok."

(My heart grew three sizes. I love this kid so much.)

Anyway...let's talk about masking/camoflauging. People mask for more than just neurodivergent reasons. Trauma, code-switching, people-pleasing, 'professionalism'... So, wondering: when do you do it? What does it feel like? How do you know when you're masking? How do you know when it's safe not to? Because of this, I am working on developing a 3 part series about masking...maybe calling it Exploring the Mask? LMK if you'd be interested!