Cheating is always The Wrong Thing To Do. And yet...

Look, there is no way to cheat ethically or to minimize the damage cheating causes to the trust in your relationship. I think sometimes people think that cheating "quietly" is like, an okay thing to do because it doesn't REALLY cause harm.

But just because your partner may not find out the whole truth (or any of it) doesn't remove the ethical violation; personally I believe you are still causing harm energetically.

It is always The Wrong Thing To Do.

What's interesting about me, though, is that I generally don't feel judgmental towards people who cheat on their partners. I typically assume that - unless the person is just an amoral asshole, which is a thing- cheating is a symptom of a problem.

Most often it results from unnamed and/or unmet needs and an unwillingness to disrupt the status quo (e.g., they don't want to divorce because of children is one "good" reason people stray rather than leave.) A person may feel like they have asked over and over for certain needs (usually emotional) to be met, OR they haven't literally asked but they think their partner should nonetheless be able to recognize and meet their needs.

However, for whatever reason, their needs are not met, often for many years. They cross paths with someone interesting at just the right moment, and SURPRISE! There was a window of opportunity cracked and the opportunity slithered right in. And now we have an affair and a mess. I get how this can happen.

People also cheat because of deep boredom and/or mismatched sex drives/interest. I know it's easy to be dismissive of these reasons as being not valid, like people should just suck it up because sex isn't that important. This is where folks on the outside of the relationship feel very comfortable sitting in judgment.

But for some people sex IS really important, whether as a physical act or as an energetic/love exchange, in which case not being stimulated in this way for many years can be emotionally painful.

Sometimes people cheat because they don't feel safe in intimacy, have experienced a lot of trauma, and/or they have an insecure attachment style and feel like cheating in relationships is like...almost normal. This is a deep wound, usually from childhood, resulting in unstable intimate partnerships.

I also don't judge in this case, even though technically it's hard to determine from observation whether this person is just an opportunistic asshole or acting from a wounded place. I guess at the end of the day I don't really care?

Because again, it remains true that cheating is always The Wrong Thing To Do. And/but it's as common as rain in spring. It happens every day. Folks fall apart over so-called "infidelity" and try to repair and fall apart again because trust is fragile and we are all just trying.

So part of my mission in life is to help people name the shit that isn't working in their relationships, so that you may maximize the possibility of doing it well, relatively easily, happily.

Part of getting there is deciding to NOT cheat on your partner. It sounds simple and it's very easy to say I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. (Like me! I have never cheated, personally, and am one of those who might claim I never would, but shrugs I also know that we never know what we would do until we are faced with certain decisions and so I would never really say never in this case.)

The only way to get where you're trying to go is to USE ALL THE WORDS. Have hard conversations with your partner about your needs, desires, interests, the longings of your heart. Be willing to discuss your shame, sit with the discomfort of vulnerability, and allow intimacy to unfold. IT IS HARD. I know it is. But it's worth it. It's better than cheating to try and get your needs met.

Honestly...get a divorce if the truth is you don't love this person anymore and don't want to be with them. Do that BEFORE you cheat on them. Honor your agreements by owning your shit.

If you know you're someone for whom monogamy does not work, please note that the only way to have other partners in an ethical way is to discuss with your partner and receive their ok to proceed. This requires A LOT of really hard and healthy communication. A LOT of vulnerability and trust. You can't do it from an unstable place, so you gotta lay the groundwork first. But DO IT. Say the words. It is definitely better than having to juggle the lies you're telling and the guilt of the pain you're potentially causing. Just own your shit.

Cheating is always The Wrong Thing To Do. But there are all kinds of OTHER things you can do to try and get your needs met that are ethically sound and which honor the agreements you've made. Holler at me if you need help with this. No judgment, but also...stop it.