Does Punishment Work?

(Short answer: no, it does not.) I do not practice punishment. Full stop.

And furthermore, I do not believe punishment has a place in healthy relational dynamics, nor does it improve anyone's behavior intrinsically.

Don't get me wrong, people use punishment for reasons, including their own experience that it "works." This comes up when we ask parents to come up with other strategies besides physical violence for responding to mistakes kids make.

e.g., "I needed my ass beat as a kid, or who knows what kind of trouble I'd have been in? And look at me! I turned out fine!"

Um...no you didn't but that's another conversation.

Yes, things might change superficially, if someone is afraid of you or your reactions. But repair and restorative justice are significantly more effective in creating meaningful change that is sourced from intention to do better, vs intention to avoid punishment.

Our cultural obsession with punishment aside- which shows in our bloated carceral system and the fact that parents still believe spanking is an appropriate consequence for mistake-making in childhood- adults have internalized the idea that using punishment is a viable strategy for navigating conflict in adult relationships.

In my work, I watch people in relationships punish each other constantly, although in most cases they deny that's what they're doing until I press.

Then they'll acknowledge that yes, they are punishing BUT for reasons that are completely justified.

When I press on that, they usually find fear and sadness and grief underneath that is much harder to wrangle. (They do not like it when I press to this point, but it's my job and they're better for it eventually.)

OK so what do I mean by "punishment" beyond physical violence?

People punish through silence, withdrawal of approval, passive-aggressive comments, refusal to offer paths to recovery, and withholding of affection. People also practice punishment by refusing to forgive.

Bringing up the same mistake over and over, especially if the other person has sincerely apologized and been accountable, is a punishment. It's a way of rubbing salt in a wound that is trying to scab over.

And I can understand that you do this in your marriage or intimate partnership because you're desperately afraid that if it heals fully and stops hurting them, your partner could forget how much it hurt YOU.

It's a way of cracking the whip a lil bit just to let the person know they BETTER NOT do that thing again or ELSE.

Or else what?

How about healthy boundaries? How about "It was extremely hurtful when this happened, and I do forgive you. But I am not willing to go through that again."

Stating it in such a way is not a punishment. It's a clear statement of what YOU will and won't do. I do not agree to do this again.

I can understand why you do it the hard way. It's because that's actually the easy way.

Punishment makes sense to most of us in this culture because we're programmed to find it reasonable. But...it isn't, not really.

In a reasonably healthy relationship dynamic, the other person is able to receive the message that this thing is deeply important to you, and/or was terribly painful, and will be able to avoid doing it again because the relationship is important to them. Because they do not wish to harm you.

But if you're someone who your go-to move is punishment? The people in your life will learn to move in such a way as to avoid whatever your signature punishment style is.

Not because they love and respect you (although they probably do) but because they're afraid of your retaliation. Those outcomes might look similar but they are not the same.

Personally, I do not want anyone- especially someone I love- to ever be afraid to tell me something for fear of my reaction.

So overall, I do not practice punishment. I do not lash out, I do not say horrible things when feeling hurt even if "justified", I do not give people the cold shoulder, and I am proud to say my defensiveness diminishes more each year as I grow more healthy and confident in my communication and relationship skills.

I am not perfect, but I am intentional about not causing additional ruptures to the already fragile-by-nature connections between myself and other humans. If I DO find myself with the desire to punish, I spend time in reflection. If I handle things in such a way that I don't feel good about later, I fix it.

When Zoe does something I don't like or that hurts me, my instinct is not to hit her, since that's really just not in me. But I do feel an urge to withdraw affection or warmth...which is also punishment.

Parenting is a little different than romantic connections, of course, and the risks feel different, but here's a recent example from my life.

Just last night she did something that hurt me (like broke the skin) and my instinctual reaction was deep, visceral anger. I know her intention actually wasn't to hurt me physically, she was just trying to briefly lash out in frustration. I saw on her face that she was surprised and ashamed.

But I was flooded so I took myself out of the situation for a few minutes, and then went into my room and was doing other things. She took a bath, came in my room, laid on my bed next to me and said, "I'm sorry. Can we do Wordle?" and leaned into me for a snuggle.

I opened my arms and said, "I accept your apology; and I don't think you hurt me on purpose, but please don't do that again."

That was it. We dropped it and moved on. I won't bring it up again. I do not think she will do that thing again, because she did not like how it felt to hurt me.

Recently, an old high school friend reached out to me via text. He had lashed out at me years ago, blocked me on social media dramatically, and also has terrible politics, so I wasn't super interested in reconnecting.

So I told him how I felt and why. I used respectful, clear language. I am not available for reconnection if certain things are still how they are. He responded a few days later with a clear, accountable, well-articulated and sincere apology. It included a path forward.

Honestly I did not want to respond. I don't miss this person's presence in my life, and aside from history we don't have anything in common. But I sat with it for a day and thought about whether and what it would cost me to allow this recovery, which is clearly important to him. He's reached out several times (acting like that old shit never happened) in the past and I've not responded.

But this was different. This included acknowledgment and sincere bid for connection. So I responded "I accept your apology, and thank you for the kind words." And updated him a little bit about my life.

I don't need to text with this person every day, but I could tell that it mattered to him that we get right. To refuse to do that after calculating its minimal cost would be textbook punishment.

I pride myself on being a soft place for conflict practice. If you're mad at me, cool, be mad, but you gotta tell me why and be willing to sit down with my face and talk through it. Punishment through lack of communication is the worst thing someone can do to me, given that people in relationships with me know how vital I find it.

So anyway, let's work on this, shall we? We can do better. This is a new year, which is the best time to practice new skills and be able to approach them with a beginner's spirit. "I don't know how to do this yet but I'm learning" is way better than "This is all I know how to do, and I am not willing to change."

xoxo

~amy~