Trying to live your values is hard...

Reminder: it is hard to hold yourself to high standards that align with your stated values.

It is particularly hard to hold yourself to them when you are hurt, scared, or depleted in some way. Petty grievances feel sooooo satisfying to poke at sometimes.

Sometimes dropping into our worst versions is the easiest and most appealing option.

It is particularly hard to hold yourself to your own values when no one will see, and that is the ultimate test.

The most important thing to remember though is that it is not fair to hold others to standards you don't actually require of yourself. If you're being honest with yourself, are you practicing being your best and highest self or are you half-assing it but expecting everyone else to be their best?

Here are some things to consider:

It is not fair to expect others to forgive you for mistakes if you won't forgive.

It is not fair to expect others to behave in kind and respectful ways if you are not kind and respectful.

It is not fair to expect others to offer grace and the benefit of the doubt if you do not offer it.

It is not fair to expect others to be grateful for the gift of your attention if you are not grateful for the gift of theirs.

And notice I did not say "in return".

Your actions and behaviors must be for their own sake, not in response to how others behave.

You decide your values and how you will play them out in your life. Other people will do what they're going to do. Going tit for tat in relationships renders them transactional which reduces their organic value (IMO).

The way to set an example is to show up in the same ways, with the same efforts, whether others do it that way or not.

Like, I sincerely want to be my best self and invite others to be theirs. The effort to do this is worth it even when I fall short.

The payoff isn't always clear. "How does it benefit me to forgive someone who has mistreated me but isn't taking accountability?" and "Why should I be kind and respectful to this person who is not being kind and respectful to me?" are completely valid questions.

The answer is...when you can, do it because you can. Because it makes the world a better place, maybe, or maybe just because you'll be happier if you don't hold on to grievances.

You obviously don't have to endure mistreatment- and shouldn't- but there is a way to respond to other people's bullshit that honors the other person's humanity while denying their right to cause harm.

I try to always remember that everyone is out here flailing around, living out their traumas, large and small, and trying to get their needs met. Trying to avoid pain.

Taking responsibility for ourselves is crucial. As is healing what can be healed, growing our capacity to be loving and kind, and entering into intentional relationships with people who are practicing life how we are. Those are some keys to health and happiness.

At my advanced age, I don't have time or interest in low-quality relationships. Just like junk food doesn't fill me up, I want my relationships to be like fresh fruit and vegetables: whole, healthy, fresh, and genuinely good to and for me.