You Do Not Need My Permission...

So much of my career has been providing "permission" for people to do what they already want to do.

To do what they have already decided is best for them, but which they are so scared to step into that they need a "professional" to say it's okay. They may have already talked the thing to death with 100 of their closest friends and family members, and found themselves confused and overwhelmed.

So then folks will pay good money to come tell ME - a neutral outsider- about their problem just to have me say "Ok, so it sounds like you already know what to do" and they will say "Yeah, you're right. Can I just...?" and I say, "Yes, you sure can!"

And then they do the thing and feel better. But I didn't actually DO anything beyond suggest they already held the answers and offer them the "permission" (which they didn't actually need) to move towards their desires.

What if folks just felt empowered to do what was best for them without needing to look outside for someone to grant permission?

What if we trusted our own inner wisdom (and perhaps the guidance of our trusted few) but mostly we owned our own authority to make our own decisions? And we trusted that, probably, nothing bad will happen even if we behave outside of what is expected of us?

What if we didn't crowd-source decisions that don't affect anyone but us? There are few sayings more apt, to my mind, than this one: "Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth."

Sometimes, rather than being helpful, the limited viewpoint of others can lead you to erroneous conclusions because other people filter how they see you through how they see themselves, or through their own value systems, or biases, etc.

And, what's right for your friend may be entirely incorrect for you. But you may be the only one who really knows what is correct for you.

So listen, just in case you need to hear this today:

You can decide to set and enforce boundaries as is right for you, but you can also change any boundaries you previously set if they no longer serve you.

You can decide to end a relationship or some other interpersonal agreement, even with a family member or old friend, if that is what is right for you or that is what you need to remain safe (in whatever ways "safety" shows up for you).

OR, you can choose to preserve the relationship but internally relocate it so that the limitations of the other person does not harm you. Because sometimes we don't want to give up on someone, but we can't tolerate continuing to be disappointed.

You can change the expectations and agreements you have of and with someone, even if you end up in an uncommon or atypical relationship dynamic. If you both agree on the way it's going, it's ok!

If the resources are available to do so, you can leave a job, go back to school, or change careers, even if other people think that's a wild and crazy move.

You can cut your hair, or grow your hair (or buy your hair!) or wear different clothes, or change your gender presentation.

You can get a tattoo, or eyelash extensions, or a BBL, or botox, or a boob job...or you can never do anything to change your appearance at all.

You can wear a bikini. (Yes, you!)

You can sing, or learn an instrument, or pick up an unusual hobby. It is ok to be a beginner. It's also ok to try but not be good at things, and keep doing them anyway because you enjoy them. It's also ok to quit doing things because they cease being enjoyable (even if you're good at them!)

You can change, grow, and evolve. You can do the healing work you've been putting off.

You can move away, move in with a partner, or move out of a partner's home.

You can break up, or not. You can decide to be together, but differently. You can make new rules.

You can sleep in your own bed, or share a bed, or alternate based on your mood or needs.

You can request a new relationship configuration: you can try poly or ENM.

You can never partner with anyone if you don't want to. You can be sexual, or not.

You are not too old. You are not too young. (I mean, ok, this one does have some limitations, but let's assume we are all adults here)

Not having experience is not a reason to not try something.

Not knowing anyone else who's done it that way is not a reason not to do it that way. It will either work out, or not, and you can go from there. But if you don't try it out, you can't know.

Life is short, potentially, or terribly long. Either way, it is a shame to not move in such a way as to maximize your happiness and satisfaction.

Do not harm others in your decision-making, and always get consent from folks who will be impacted, but otherwise, you are free within the contexts of your specific life and your responsibilities, etc to decide many things for yourself.

You are wise, and you have agency over your decision-making.

Within reason, you can actually kind of do what you want. I am happy to be in the role of thought partner, and I will give you permission if you need it, but I also want to remind you that you mostly really don't.